awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
