FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
