I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
