everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then he tried to convert me to islam
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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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