for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
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Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.