I need to stop coming to work sober
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
