I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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