I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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