My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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