you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
