You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
