I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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