Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
