he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
