My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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