apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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