if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
