im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
