wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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