walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
