i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
