Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
