Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
