My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
