I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
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Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I AM VODKA MAN
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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