Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
