Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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