Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
