At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
