and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
