Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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