Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
