i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
