Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
