the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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