Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
