i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
