Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
