idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
...so i touched it.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
