just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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