My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
try to milk me bitch
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