This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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