They should really pass out barf bags in church
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
