Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Pooping to opera.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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