If that was your dad, he is hot
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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