I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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