I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
im on a boat
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