ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
