he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
