my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dating After Heartbreak
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend