i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.