I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
