Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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