I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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