I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
