I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
