shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
