When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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