so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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